Gaining Self Confidence

Foundation and Key

Why is gaining self confidence needed or desired?

Please take a moment to answer the question. 

If you are looking at gaining self confidence to have control/authority over others, to persuade, or manipulate them to get your needs and wants met, this type of confidence is fragile and can be lost, since it requires the participation of others who at some point, will not want to be influenced by you and will no longer believe you.

But if you are looking for confidence that implies strength, authority, expertise as knowing what you are talking about which is congruent with what you are; this cannot be lost. The gaining of self confidence here is a gaining of self-knowledge via new insight or correction by new learning. But it does not seek to control or influence others. It's purpose is to share what has been valuable, helpful, and good in one's life, with other's who may also benefit from the learning/experience/expertise.

In short, the first type of confidence demands selling what you want people to believe about you or your product because you are not 100% congruent in practicing what you preach. That internal conflict is a loss of power/strength in the communication.

The second, is congruent with what you practice and live, and so, is an extension that flows without internal conflict. In other words, the private self and public self are the same.

The first type of confidence is a self-image made and managed by you. It makes gaining self confidence possible, but also loosing it, depending on how effective it is, or not, in getting you what you want. That is why it is not true strength. It is "faking it until you make it".

For this reason, it is generally accepted that confidence can be "built" or "developed" much like a skill and therefore, with practice, gained. Of course practicing public speaking, networking, etc. is helpful but we have all heard of child prodigies who master the skill of playing piano by age 9.  If self confidence is a skill, then are some people born with a naturally higher capacity for gaining self confidence? And if so, if we are not one of those lucky few, what is the point?

You can see this way of looking at gaining self confidence is misleading and hopeless. To feel like we lack confidence is to believe we are incapable, or somehow blocked from reaching our full capacity.

Therefore, it is a feeling of insufficiency, incompleteness, or lack. It is a perception of scarcity and inequality in a world of comparison, of judgement between what is good enough, and not good enough, and more than enough.

This perception of inequality shows up as insecurity and doubt in the strength and conviction of what we do and say, and shows in how we present our self.

But to look at gaining self confidence from the second point of view means there is no uncertainty about what is our true nature because we understand we are all equal despite differences in physical appearances, skill, and self-image; which are seen, but are not the true self.

In short, equality gives us confidence. It means we all have something to contribute that is worthy or we would not be here. All life is worthy and brings  gifts to the world.

It is simply a matter of looking within and connecting to the truth of the equality of all life that gives us self-confidence to express, share and develop of the gifts we came in with. 

Our true nature brings certainty which is forgotten with worldly comparison of differences. At the surface of appearances, there is no certainty, no confidence since differences are subjective, personal and vary by opinion and interpretation. A world of comparison promotes distrust, fear, and unreliability; all of which are blocks to gaining self confidence which can withstand the test of time.

The problem in gaining self confidence is our unwillingness to explore the depth of our being to move beyond the perception of differences. To recognize our true nature as the same and inherently worthy offers us acceptance of self and others which is how we experience feeling relaxed and at ease with ourselves and others in new or familiar situations. It makes it impossible to be nervous or scarred or worried about how others will see or judge us. 

From this point of view, confidence will not be about achievement, and therefore "failing" will not be a loss of success but an opportunity to learn and growing and further our success.

This recognition is what tells us we are deserving of life's goodness, just like everyone else without exception, not because we worked for it, earned it, and are special, but because in truth beneath all comparisons, we are all created equal and are equally deserving of happiness and freedom from fear and pain.

With this knowledge, we are in a position to lift others up, inspire and be inspired and do whatever we do, with an attitude of kindness and compassion. It is possible to understand we are on a journey in time together and we give it purpose.

Is our time together an opportunity to grow, learn, heal and share all that is good with each other giving as receiving? Or is it about judging, competing, comparing and placing people into a hierarchy of inequality and scarcity to feel good at the expense of another feeling bad? 

To recognize equality is relief from worry about how others see us and judge us because we are coming from a place of authenticity, honesty and sincerity not doing it to "get" something, or out of "need", but because we want to give from our sense of fullness, which is self-confidence, the recognition that we are whole, sufficient and complete and lack nothing.

To lack self-confidence is to believe we are lacking and unworthy of good things as we are. If we look at our past, we can identify where and when we accepted these false ideas/judgments to release them.

When have you judged, made fun of or ostracized someone for not conforming or meeting the standards set by schools, peer groups, cultural norms, parents, religious authorities? When did others judge you or imply that you were not good enough, but instead irresponsible, undependable, inferior, bad, evil, etc. because you failed some standard they subscribe to (this is another way to say, you were not pleasing to them and did not conform to their wishes?). And when have you done this to others and yourself?

This is how we learn to feel insecure and weak and perceive inequality and differences. We accept these false judgments making them true for us, and so we put into question our inherently strong, loving and good nature and in time forget/seem to loose our sense of Self, with a capital "S" and become a little self, with a small "s".

From then on, this little self has to compare its self to other little selves to feel like it knows where it stands. The only thing the little self can conclude with any certainty is what it is not: not as popular, not wealthy enough, not talented enough, not attractive enough, etc. to measure up to the "next guy" who is the standard for judgment and "more than". Time and time again we end up declaring our little self a "looser".  

Doubt is a permanent resident in our mind because we believe that our value and worth is determined by how we or others see (judge) us; by how well we perform; and by how much we achieve and posses. Our past difficult experiences are evidence that the judgments are true. We don't question such "evidence". This becomes a self-reinforcing loop of beliefs and experience that justifies self-rejection.

We stay stuck because our imagination adds fuel/fear with images of worst case scenarios whenever we think about moving forward to reach our goals: images of failure, humiliation, more rejection, hopelessness, etc. come up to keep us from taking risks. A "bad" situation is now the norm, and so the fear is that it can only get worse.

And if by chance we succeed, well our little self is shocked, a fluke of nature and not to be counted on since it is uncharacteristic of the little self that is the norm and we have accepted as a substitute for our true Self. Such is the loop of negative thinking (Polarity Reversal) that keeps us defeated.

How can we change this?

The little self is a conditioned pattern of thinking that we follow without question. It is a habit that has been normalized (made familiar by repetition) and so it is taken for granted as true. The idea that we can be less than, or not good enough is the forgetting of our true essential nature of strength and goodness which is our true Self.

This Self has not been lost. It is alive and well but beyond the physical level and beyond the uncertainties of our perception. It is the creative power of Life which is indestructible Spirit. What can be lost or taken away by judgment, criticism, labeling, bullying, failure, etc. is our little self and so afford it protection believing it is all we have.

It is possible to experience our true Self and inherent strength. But we must be willing to be open to the truth and not let fear of loosing the little self keep us from questioning our long held habits and assumptions. This opens the mind to what is beyond it but still there: the higher Self, a Self that is shared with all of creation.

The Self with a capital "S" is not individual, it excludes no-one. It cannot be lost because it is not partial, and since it is for all equally, it unites us beyond individual differences as One creation, loving and whole and perfectly created by one Source.

This experience will question and correct thinking that tells us otherwise. If you know self- muscle testing I invite you to download my free Ramos Belief Clearing Chart to start changing your mind about what your essential nature is.

To gain self confidence we need to have regard, a form of love or kindness, for ourselves. It means honesty and self-acceptance that we are doing our best and for now it is good enough though it could be better. Do not confuse this with arrogance. Many people give a very convincing appearance of confidence which is but based on ego inflation, domination, opposition and superiority.

Arrogance is the false belief in inequality. That someone can be more valuable than someone else because of superficial differences (based on physical or personal differences). Self confidence then is a display of judgement that says, "I am better than you. I am the expert and know more than you."

True self confidence comes from trusting that we all share in the same essential nature equally which goes beyond our physical and ego differences and connects us to our Highest Self which is Divine not an animal instinct to survive at the expense of another. This is scarcity.

We say we lost our self-esteem. Gaining self confidence is seeing that there was never a loss because equality with everyone cannot be lost irregardless of failure to meets standards set by worldly authority (not divine). 

Confidence is not gained from believing our ego driven mind knows everything and projects this attitude in what it does, but rather, from recognizing we do NOT know everything and rather choose to trust in something beyond our little ego self that offers us sure guidance.

This trust can be developed over time by treating ourselves with kindness.

When we judge yourself harshly for our mistakes, we give our self a vote of "no confidence", rather than offer the support we feel we lack. Not trusting the truth that deep down, our true nature is OK, despite our perceived imperfections will interfere with being able to accomplish what we want to do.

Gaining self confidence necessitates healing the broken trust that comes from having misperceived what you are. This requires letting go of past errors.

To gain self confidence and keep it, we need to learn and practice "for- giving": giving our “self” permission to fail as many times as needed to reach success without self attack.

We can decide to not make success or failure personal; since they do not represent our true Self, but rather our limited ego self. In doing so, "failure", becomes a learning opportunity and springboard for growth.

It is also about releasing fear and being neutral or non-judgmental when it comes to our capacities. Capacities are potentials and can grow in time. There is no point in comparing what little we can do to others that are more skilled. Skill, for the most part, is a matter of time and practice.


The Basis for Gaining Self confidence

Fundamentally, gaining self confidence comes from the recognition that all life, which includes us, is fundamentally the same: good, loving and without lack or limit in truth (from a spiritual perspective) despite our errors and perceived imperfections and failings.

Opening our mind to accepting ourselves without judgment at each and every moment requires desire, commitment and understanding, since we tend to see ourselves as lacking in some way. But, through a practice of doing EFT, truly forgiving, non-judgment and/or other spiritual practices, we can recognize that our fundamental Self was created whole and divinely perfect.

Our mistakes and errors cannot change this inner knowing, but until we accept this truth, we can only do our best, since our thinking will contradict this truth. Our best, is our limited best and has to be good enough, because we could not have done it better in that particular moment, precisely because we were working with our limited beliefs and perceptions.

Unconditional self-acceptance is the solid foundation on which gaining self confidence rests.

We will experience uncertainty and doubt when new experiences come our way. But choosing to trust in our true Self that resides within, and is part of the non-changing absolute truth, or God, will carry us through the ups and downs that come our way, much like an anchor that holds a boat in place in a constantly moving sea.

If you would like professional help with gaining self confidence, I offer a 20 minute free consultation, no obligation.


Key to Gaining Self Confidence

Gaining self confidence depends on learning to let go of doubts and fears about our "self". 

If you lack confidence in a particular area of your life whether it is in personal relationships, performance situations or in your approach to life, you can be sure there are fears underneath your particular problem.

To feel good in what you do comes across as self-confidence because you trust all is well, including yourself in the moment and there is no fear. This opens space for joy. It is an inner experience of appreciation and esteem for our self that is shared with all.

In gaining self esteem you will need to look at the corner stones that make up high self confidence.

The temporary nature of accomplishment is where our fears and doubts come from in gaining self confidence. We doubt our ability to accomplish something, or we failed at something and think that it says something negative about us. But it says nothing about us, only about our skill level.

The self-confidence that comes from enjoying life in the moment is always available to you, because it doesn’t depend on things working out a certain way.

When you insist that something has to turn out a certain way, as in “I only get one chance to succeed”, the fears and doubts that come with the possibility that things will turn out another way can be paralyzing.

In gaining self confidence you will need to let go of your attachment to having things work out "your" ego way. The difference between the two scenarios where you lack confidence and where you feel confident is in how you are perceiving your "self", not the situation itself.

To understand how our perception works and the power that it has in shaping our experiences, and to connect with the true Self within, I invite you to read my book, Beyond Self-esteem: Discovering Your Boundless Self-worth.

If you find it difficult to let go of the blocks that interfere with gaining self-confidence, let me recommend using Emotional Freedom Techniques or EFT for short. EFT learning is easy, but it does take practice and the more persistent practice the better.

Gaining self confidence is easier than you think with a tool like EFT. If you would like to see for yourself how EFT works, I do phone and Skype sessions.

With EFT, gaining self confidence is now literally at your fingertips!

I am also available for you to ask questions about  relationships, gaining self-confidence, self-esteem, internal conflicts, etc. at healing-with-eft.tumblr.com.

Return Home from Gaining Self Confidence

Go to EFT Tapping

Go to How Does EFT Work

Go to Self-esteem Article

Go to Self-Sabotage

Go to How to be Happy


PDF Download: $4.95

Nook Version: $2.99

"I bought a copy of your book... I just wanted to say thank you for writing it. I was pretty desperate to feel better physically and emotionally when I got it, and since, I've experienced profound emotional healing. Thank you for giving me the healing messages I needed to hear, like a kind, loving mother."

by Ilona Z.

Reading Chapter 3