Gaining Self Confidence

Foundation and Key

Why is gaining self confidence needed?

Without insecurities and doubts about our true nature, self-identity and abilities, we would not need to gain self confidence. 

Where do these insecurities come from? Why can't we be sure of our self-worth and value which is the solid foundation of trust and confidence?

Perhaps we can look at our past and see that having experienced rejection we feel insecure that we are likable or feel we are different and don't fit in?

Perhaps we concluded that there is something wrong with us because of past rejection?

Maybe we failed in some way and have judged ourselves less than, inferior, or bad because of this?

If we compare ourselves to others and conclude we are not as popular, wealthy, attractive, etc. and believe that value is tied to such things, we may see  our self as a "looser" without value to others?  

Doubts present themselves because we believe our value and worth is determined by how we or others see (judge) us, or by what we have accomplished or posses. Unfortunately, we often use past difficult experiences as evidence that the judgments about ourselves are true. This becomes a self-reinforcing loop of beliefs and experience that justifies self-rejection.

We stay stuck because our imagination adds fuel/fear with images of worst case scenarios whenever we think about moving forward to reach our goals: images of failure, humiliation, more rejection, hopelessness, etc. come up to keep us from taking risks.

After all we may make an already bad situation worse. And if by chance we succeed, well we would only be proving ourselves to be wrong about ourselves. Such is the loop of negative thinking that keeps us defeated.

How can we change this?

Our mind often follows a conditioned pattern of thinking that we have not made conscious. The idea that we can be less than, or not good enough comes from the lack of awareness of our true essence or true Self which is alive and well beyond the physical level and beyond the uncertainties of our perception. It is the creative power of life itself. To not know our true Self, is to know our inherent and unlimited value.

It is possible to be conscious of our true essence and know that it is whole and perfect in the moment. This awareness will clear and correct the thinking that tells us we can lack and be less than. If you know self- muscle testing I invite you to download my free Ramos Belief Clearing Chart to start changing your mind about what your essential nature is.

To gain self confidence we need to have regard, a form of love or kindness, for ourselves.  Do not confuse this with arrogance. Many people give a very convincing appearance of confidence which is but based on ego inflation and superiority.

Arrogance is the false belief in inequality. That someone can be more valuable than someone else because of superficial differences (based on physical or personal differences). Self confidence then is a display of judgement that says, "I am better than you. I am the expert and know more than you."

True self confidence comes from trusting that we all share in the same essential nature which goes beyond our physical and ego differences and connects us to our Highest Self which is divine.

Gaining self confidence requires that you recognize your equality with everyone irregardless of past accomplishments and perceived differences. The way to connect to this truth is to develop a spiritual practice.

There are many spiritual paths that can lead you to the experience of your essential nature which is inherently loving and valuable.

What we are to learn ultimately is self acceptance, non-judgment, and true forgiveness because these are in alignment with the truth of what we are.

Our true self-worth/value cannot be lost but when ego arrogance is associated to self-esteem, what we experience is inconsistency: ups and downs with changes in circumstances. Because arrogance is false certainty, our self-esteem is inconsistent and inevitably fails. We say we lost our self-esteem.

Confidence is not gained from believing our ego driven mind knows everything and projects this attitude in what it does, but rather, from recognizing we do NOT know everything and rather choose to trust in something beyond our ego self that offers us sure guidance.

This trust can be developed over time by treating ourselves with kindness.

When we judge yourself harshly for our mistakes, we give our self a vote of no confidence, rather than offer the support we feel we lack. Not trusting the truth that deep down, our true nature is OK, despite our perceived imperfections will interfere with being able to accomplish what we want to do.

Gaining self confidence necessitates healing the broken trust that comes from having misperceived what you are. This requires letting go of past errors.

To develop self confidence and keep it, we need to learn and practice "for- giving": giving our “self” permission to fail as many times as needed to reach success without self attack.

We can decide to not make success or failure personal; since they do not represent our true Self, but rather our limited ego self. In doing so, "failure", becomes a learning opportunity and springboard for growth.

It is also about releasing fear and being neutral or non-judgmental when it comes to our capacities. Capacities are potentials and can grow in time. There is no point in comparing what little we can do to others that are more skilled. Skill, for the most part, is a matter of time and practice.

We often make the act of comparing our "self", how we come to know who or what we are. This is inaccurate. Comparison is subjective judgment and depends on who we pick to compare ourself to.

If you notice that you tend to compare yourself and come out feeling "small", look at what purpose that serves. In other words, what do you get out of it? Perhaps it gives you a feeling of safety or a feeling of entitlement to sympathy or pity, etc.?

The Basis for Gaining Self confidence

Fundamentally, gaining self confidence comes from the recognition that all life, which includes us, is fundamentally good, loving and without lack or limit in truth (from a spiritual perspective) despite our errors and perceived imperfections and failings.

Opening our mind to accepting ourselves without judgment at each and every moment requires desire, commitment and understanding, since we tend to see ourselves as lacking in some way. But, through a practice of doing EFT, truly forgiving, non-judgment and/or other spiritual practices, we can recognize that our fundamental Self was created whole and divinely perfect.

Our mistakes and errors cannot change this inner knowing, but until we accept this truth, we can only do our best, since our thinking will contradict this truth. Our best, is our limited best and has to be good enough, because we could not have done it better in that particular moment, precisely because we were working with our limited beliefs and perceptions.

Unconditional self-acceptance is the solid foundation on which gaining self confidence rests.

We will experience uncertainty and doubt when new experiences come our way. But choosing to trust in our true Self that resides within, and is part of the non-changing absolute truth, or God, will carry us through the ups and downs that come our way, much like an anchor that holds a boat in place in a constantly moving sea.

If you would like professional help with gaining self confidence, I offer a 20 minute free consultation, no obligation.

Key to Gaining Self Confidence

Gaining self confidence depends on learning to let go of doubts and fears about our "self". 

If you lack confidence in a particular area of your life whether it is in personal relationships, performance situations or in your approach to life, you can be sure there are fears underneath your particular problem.

You will need to look at where those fears are coming from. You can do this by imagining yourself in a situation where you lack self-confidence. What are your fears, feelings, and thoughts?

Write down what is showing up. It could be doubts, negative beliefs, survival fears, memories of past failures or embarrassments, self-judgments, etc.

Now imagine another situation where you felt or feel confident. Maybe it is when you ride your bike or talk about sports, or have studied for a test, etc.

Notice the feeling of confidence. You may believe it comes from doing something you are skilled in, familiar with, or something you had success with in the past. It can be as simple as riding your bike. But if you look closer, you will notice that their is no fear. Instead, there is ease and effortlessness. It is a natural part of what you are!

Gaining self confidence in yourself comes from letting go of fear. To feel good in what you do comes across as self-confidence because you trust all is well, including yourself in the moment and there is no fear. This opens space for joy. It is an inner experience.

If the feeling of confidence in your ability to ride your bike comes from the pride that you feel for the accomplishment of something new, this feeling will be temporary and fade with time. 

In gaining self-confidence you will need to stop seeing your “self” as your abilities or accomplishments, but rather experience it as ease and joy. Otherwise your self-confidence will be temporary.

The temporary nature of accomplishment is where our fears and doubts come from in gaining self-confidence. We doubt our ability to accomplish something, or we failed at something and think that it says something negative about us. But it says nothing about us, only about our skill level.

The self-confidence that comes from enjoying life in the moment is always available to you, because it doesn’t depend on things working out a certain way.

When you insist that something has to turn out a certain way, as in “I only get one chance to succeed”, the fears and doubts that come with the possibility that things will turn out another way can be paralyzing.

In gaining self confidence you will need to let go of your attachment to having things work out "your" ego way. The difference between the two scenarios where you lack confidence and where you feel confident is in how you are perceiving your "self", not the situation itself.

To understand how our perception works and the power that it has in shaping our experiences, and to connect with the true Self within, I invite you to read my book, Beyond Self-esteem: Discovering Your Boundless Self-worth.

If you find it difficult to let go of the blocks that interfere with gaining self-confidence, let me recommend using Emotional Freedom Techniques or EFT for short. EFT learning is easy, but it does take practice and the more persistent practice the better.

Gaining self confidence is easier than you think with a tool like EFT. If you would like to see for yourself how EFT works, I do phone and Skype sessions.

With EFT, gaining self confidence is now literally at your fingertips!

I am also available for you to ask questions about  relationships, gaining self-confidence, self-esteem, internal conflicts, etc. at

Return Home from Gaining Self Confidence

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Beyond Self-esteem

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"I bought a copy of your book... I just wanted to say thank you for writing it. I was pretty desperate to feel better physically and emotionally when I got it, and since, I've experienced profound emotional healing. Thank you for giving me the healing messages I needed to hear, like a kind, loving mother."

by Ilona Z.

Reading Chapter 3