Gaining Self Confidence

Foundation and Key

Why is gaining self confidence needed?

Without insecurities and doubts about ourselves or our abilities we would not need to gain self-confidence. 

Where do these insecurities come from? Why can't we be sure of who/what we are and feel good about that?

We can look at our past and see that perhaps we experienced rejection and feel like we don't fit in? Maybe we did something that made us believe we were less than, inferior, or bad? Maybe we had experiences of failure or overwhelm in the past that have stayed with us and are afraid we can't get it right or you can't win?  


Doubts present themselves because there is uncertainty in how we are seeing and thinking about ourselves and others. Unfortunately, we often use past difficult experiences to justify negative judgments that justify such doubts.

The mind adds fuel to the fire with its negative imaginings: thoughts or pictures of not being loveable, of being weak and limited, that I cannot do or have what I want or that I will loose what I do have.

Why does our mind resort to imagining our worst fears about ourselves and the world?  It doesn't have to.

Our mind often follows a conditioned pattern of thinking that we have not made conscious. The idea that we can be less than, or not good enough comes from the lack of awareness of our true essence or true Self which is alive and well beyond the physical level and beyond the uncertainties of our perception. It is the creative power of life itself.

It is possible to be conscious of our true essence and know that it is whole and perfect in the moment. This awareness will clear and correct the thinking that tells us we can lack and be less than. If you know self- muscle testing I invite you to download my free Ramos Belief Clearing Chart to start changing your mind about what your essential nature is.

To gain self-confidence we need to have regard, a form of love or kindness, for ourselves.  This is often referred to self-esteem. When you judge yourself negatively you give yourself a vote of no confidence and rather than offer support to yourself. Lacking trust in your “self” will interfere with being able to accomplish what you want to do. In this case, gaining self confidence necessitates healing the broken trust that comes from having misperceived what you are. This often means forgiving the past.

To develop self-confidence and keep it we need to learn and practice forgiving and giving our “self” permission to fail as many times as needed to reach success. Set-backs and lack of success is not about our character.  It is about learning from our mistakes and growing.

It is also about releasing fear around your limits and what you are capable of. Often our memories of how limited we are serve as safety and so we play "safe" by playing "small".

Everything can be an opportunity life offers us to learn that our true Self was created kind, whole, perfect and with limits. This requires changing our mind about our selves and our beliefs to that respect.


The Basis for Gaining Self-confidence

Fundamentally, gaining self confidence comes from the recognition that all life, which includes us, is fundamentally good, loving and without lack or limit in truth (from a spiritual perspective) despite our errors and perceived imperfections and failings.

Opening our mind to accepting ourselves without judgment at each and every moment requires desire, commitment and understanding since we tend to see ourselves as lacking in some way. But, through a practice of doing EFT, forgiving or other spiritual practices, we can recognize that our fundamental Self was created whole and divinely perfect.

Our mistakes and errors cannot change this inner knowing, but until we accept this truth, we can only do our best, since our thinking will contradict this truth. Our best, is our best and has to be good enough, because we could not have done it better in that particular moment given our limited beliefs.

Unconditional self-acceptance is the solid foundation on which gaining self-confidence rests.

Naturally, we will have experiences where we don’t know what we are doing because it is a first experience and don't have past experience to direct us. But trusting in the Self within that does not change with time, will carry us through, new situations, and a constantly changing world.

If your experiences have been negative and failure seems to be the norm for you, it is time to bring healing to the past with EFT tapping.  Life offers us as many chances to heal what is stuck in the past as we need.


Key to Gaining Self Confidence

Gaining self confidence depends on learning to let go of doubts and fears about your "self". 

If you lack confidence in a particular area of your life whether it is in personal relationships, performance situations or in your approach to life, you can be sure there are fears underneath your particular problem.

You will need to identify those fears. You can do this by imagining yourself in the situation where you lack self-confidence. What are you feeling or thinking that is standing in your way from successfully following through with what you want to accomplish?

Write down what is showing up. It could be doubts, negative beliefs, survival fears, memories of past failures or embarrassments, self-judgments, etc.

Now imagine another situation where you felt or feel confident. Maybe it is as simple as the time you mastered learning to ride your bike. Notice the feeling of confidence in your “self” and also the feeling around your ability to ride the bicycle. Notice that confidence in your “self” and the confidence in your ability to ride are two different things. You develop and acquire abilities. But you are not your abilities, they are skills you practice.

Gaining self confidence in yourself comes from feeling good about yourself in the moment you ride your bike. It is the enjoyment of the riding itself. It is a present moment experience that you can connect to always any time you ride, or any other time. If the feeling of confidence in your ability to ride comes from the pride that you feel for the accomplishment of something new, this feeling will be temporary and fade with time. When you think about the fact you know how to ride a bike, do you still feel proud?

In gaining self-confidence you will need to stop seeing your “self” as your abilities or accomplishments. These change with time. The self-confidence derived from them will be temporary. This is where many fears and doubts come from. We doubt our ability to accomplish something, or we failed at something and think that it says something negative about us. But it says nothing about us, only about our skill level.

The self confidence that comes from enjoying life in the moment is always available to you, because it doesn’t depend on things working out a certain way.

When you insist that something has to turn out a certain way, as in “I only get one chance to succeed”, the fears and doubts that come with the possibility that things will turn out another way can almost paralyze you.

In gaining self-confidence you will need to let go of your attachment to having things work out one way. The difference between the two scenarios where you lack confidence and where you feel confident is in how you are perceiving the situation, not the situation itself.

To understand how our perception works and the power that it has in shaping our experiences, and to connect with the true Self within, I invite you to read my book, Beyond Self-esteem: Discovering Your Boundless Self-worth.

If you find it difficult to let go of the blocks that interfere with gaining self-confidence, let me recommend using Emotional Freedom Techniques or EFT for short. EFT learning is easy, but it does take practice and the more persistent practice the better.

Gaining self-confidence is easier than you think with a tool like EFT. If you would like to see for yourself how EFT works, I do phone and Skype sessions.

With EFT, gaining self confidence is now literally at your fingertips!

I am available for you to ask questions about  relationships,self-confidence, self-esteem, internal conflicts, etc. at healing-with-eft.tumblr.com.

Return Home from Gaining Self Confidence

Go to EFT Tapping

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Go to Self-Sabotage

Go to How to be Happy


Beyond Self-esteem

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Audio Book $5.95: Paperback $8.08: Beyond Self-Esteem: Discovering Your Boundless Self-Worth (Volume 1)

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"I bought a copy of your book... I just wanted to say thank you for writing it. I was pretty desperate to feel better physically and emotionally when I got it, and since, I've experienced profound emotional healing. Thank you for giving me the healing messages I needed to hear, like a kind, loving mother."

by Ilona Z.

Reading Chapter 3